Current mood: determined
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
I know it sounds selfish sometimes to want things when so many have so little, but I hold the audacity of this little dream in my heart. I have cherished it and protected it like a sweet secret that I have nurtured close to me.
I write the dream in all my diaries. I close my eyes and give my silent speeches to my bathroom mirror and envision myself there, where I dream of being. I send out positive thoughts and energy and beg for the good to come back to me. I cleanse my thoughts as best I can.
When harsh words rise to my lips, I tell myself, NO, must keep your mind pure so you will be deserving of good things. When I slip up and cruel words seep from the corners of my mouth, I cower hours later, convinced I am not worthy now, that I must work twice as hard to make up for it. That I must make the amends for my terrible behavior so that once again the Universe will deem me worthy of reward.
My heart beats in terror all the time of how close I get to the dream. I can almost touch it... can feel it hover near me if I close my eyes... may stand next to it in my imagination. How will I screw this up for? No, that is a negative thought. And it wouldn't be the first time I have rescued it from near death, breathed life back in and started again.
The next step is choosing well. Making the right choices to go along with the dream. If I pick the wrong people, they leach it away from me bit by bit, piece by piece until I am left with the carcass of my dream. A gasping, near dead body of compromises and sacrifices.
One would think from my description that my dream was a weak thing, an old thing past its time, merely hanging on because of life support.
But that would be erroneous. My dream is a dragon, a fierce fighter, a worthy warrior, one who has met the challenge and lost blood with honor, a fearless and seductive lover-- a woman of great honor and integrity. And everyone wants to steal it away in the middle of the night while I look away-- they underestimate my fight, my drive, my grit and climb. The dream has many lives and many soft hopes. It bathes in the optimistic light that serpents cast on it. It swims in the snake oil evils tries to sell it. It does not choke. It will not die. It rises again and is sprouts new leaves within me after the storm. It survives.
Dear Universe-- help me to choose wisely the best path for me. Giving up is not an option. Going back is not an option. I fight for me. Make me worthy, make me good, make this prayer reach out and be fulfilled-- cover me with hope and let it shine through my dark hours when fear and doubt surround me. Show me light. Show me the way. Teach me to trust myself and give me strength to climb the walls they put in front of me. Let me fly over the mountains in my way and smile at the lovely view. Let me be one with something larger than me and feel the divine breath of truth inside me. Let me not compromise myself and give me armor to protect myself and battle with those who would take what is mine. Give me serenity when I need it. Let me feel worthy of this dream that you have given me so that I can give back.
I promise to remember gratitude when this comes to pass. I promise to learn from these lessons I have been given. I promise to be humble when I should put aside pride and I promise to share what I have learned and to inspire the next one who has a dream shining in her eyes.